Well, it appears as though I fall into a category, a group, a belonging of adult kids of divorce. So...I'm an A.K.O.D.? Yup...that I am. I'm sure you all can guess why I started this. I needed a place to express myself, and maybe find many others like myself. So here's my story:
To cut an extremely long two years of my life a little short..to get a feel of my family this is how it was. Back when I was a little kid, I thought I had the Brady Bunch family. Mom and Dad got a long, I didn't know what "love" was, but I thought I was seeing it. I had a great childhood, regardless of how my mom says we didn't have money back then to do a lot of fun things, the things I remember was fun to me. So yes, I had a great childhood. Fast forward to my Senior year of high school. My dad had an affair on my mom. This was probably one of the hardest times of my life! I went through so much confusion not understanding how my Brady Bunch family was falling apart. Although my dad apologized, and my mom took him back, we were never truly the same family.
So here we are now. I'm 24 years old...25 in July. And as of about almost three weeks, I just find out that my parents are getting a divorce. Whoa whoa whoa...what?! Yup...they're getting a divorce. To this day, I still don't think that it has sunk in yet. I suppose i'm still a little bit in shock? I don't know. To break it down for you:
I figured something was up: My dad had moved out of their room and into my Sister's old room. Odd.
How I found out: I snooped. I noticed my mom holding papers one day and she obviously didn't want me to see. So one day when no one was home I snooped and found the papers, and what I had thought, was true.
Did anyone tell me yet? No. It had been two months and no one told me anything.
At this same time my graduation was coming up. My graduation passed. Still...nothing. I know it sounds selfish, but wow...this had to happen at this time? During graduation when I should be super excited and yet all I can think of is that my falling is falling apart. My parents are sitting next to each other, but they aren't together. I had to sit in the same car as them to drive home, and they both came to the pot luck after my program graduation sitting five people apart from one another not speaking. Awkward!!
Probably two weeks after my graduation my mom finally told me. But I had told her that I already knew. She seemed relieved which I'm glad. Then I noticed things were different. Without getting into the details, I find out my mom now has a new boyfriend. Oh gosh...this is all happening within a span of two months?! And in a span of two weeks I officially find out: 1. My parents ARE in fact getting a divorce. 2. My mom already has a new man. 3. My mom and her boyfriend want us (my older sister and I to meet him and have dinner.) TWO WEEKS people!!! TWO WEEKS!
So within a span of two weeks I was hit with a jab, hook, and an upper cut all at once. I'm near being knocked out. That's where I find myself now. At the edge. The edge somewhere. And, admittedly, there are times where I sometimes just want to go over the edge.
I find that now I have these feelings that I don't quite understand. Shouldn't I be happy my mom found someone who makes her happy? Yes. I think so. I often wonder why I must grieve a marriage that wasn't working to begin with, and knowingly so. I do understand that that's the only reality I truly know, yet why is this "positive" change seem so horrible? I'm often numbed by my feelings. When I feel numb is when I'm at my worst. I do anything to simply FEEL something. Yet, I know that it's not healthy to think that. So why can't I break this habitual thinking of mine?
This depression I feel hits me randomly in waves. There will be days where I'm good, I can deal with what's going on. Then there are days where I just need to cry. I'm so grateful for my friends to whom I can vent to about all this. Some don't know what to day, and others have been in similar situations as myself and I'm grateful for all of them.
Even though I feel like I know the answer, I always ask, "Is this normal?" I feel like i'm experiencing emotions that a child should feel when they go through a divorce. I'm an adult. I've almost lived a quarter of my life! I'm not 9 or 12 or something other age where things going on seem a little confusing. I understand what a divorce means, what it means for the future, what it means to my parents marriage. I know. Yet, I still feel like i'm going through this grieving process for something that I feel guilty I feel sad, angry, depressed, and confused about.
That's where I'm at now. I'm here now writing about this to hopefully find some clarity through expressing some of the emotions I feel. If anyone happens to find this and actually read it, I promise that this will be the most honest thing I put out. I'm just trying to "heal"...I figured this is a start. Well, I'm an A.K.O.D. and this is just the beginning of what will be a life changing journey.
